Here's the rough draft:
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I am LACTOSE and GLUTEN INTOLERANT. Eating either may make me VERY ILL.

LACTOSE is found in DAIRY. This includes milk, cream, butter, and yogurt.

GLUTEN is found in WHEAT, RYE, BARLEY, and OATS. This includes breads and flours, grain-based alcohols (including beer, whisky, grain vodka, white vinegar and some cooking sprays), and modified corn/potatoe/food starches. It is a common thickening agent in sauces and gravies. It may also be a “natural flavor” in pre-prepared foods.

Please do not cross-contaminate. Removing lactose or gluten from a pre-prepared dish is not adequate—the dish must be made without.
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Any suggestions? Too little? Too much? (I don't want to be insulting and be lecturing an exerienced chef on where flour may be used. But, then again, I don't want to have a fast-food person think, if it's not bread, then it doesn't have flour.)

This is a complex matter. I think it requires great persistence, vigilence, gentleness & good manners. If I make any special request, I begin my tip calculation from 20% instead of 15%.

I have a set of cards that I occasionally use ($15 on the web). I was very surprised in a chinese restaurant when the manager asked me for a copy 'coz they get requests all the time.

I'm lucky in that I have worked in food service, am a good cook and have run large industrial kitchens so I understand lots of ingredients & processes in multiple cultural traditions.

In GF Bible, I think she does a good job of reminding us to maintain a pleasant demeanour but be persistent with obstinate, ignorant, lazy or just plain tired & hassled restaurant staff. She has 25 pages of GF cards in dozens of languages that you can xerox.

I do my best not to get testy coz that never helps. If no one speaks english well enough, sometimes you're just out of luck.

Recently I went to Nan King Road Bistro in the Inner Sunset in SF. I asked for a dish from a waiter whose English was pretty limited but he repeated what I said so I thought it would be OK. When I refused it on arrival, he kept saying, we will make it again, but I said if you can't understand what I'm saying and I can't understand what you're saying, how can you possibly fix it. So I left. But that is the only time I've left after ordering something.

Somewhat I rely on understanding what is used in cooking in various cultures & dishes. I primarily eat Thai & Vietnamese when I go out with friends. The only dangers are egg roll wrappers instead of rice paper and breading on fried bananas. Their soy sauce generally is wheat free.

I also try and make it simple for them. When I do chinese, generally I ask for fried rice with no soy sauce.

Curries are generally safe in restaurants since they're generally making it from scratch. However there are commercial canned or bottled curry paste that contain gluten as a thickener. So if they're cheating. I've reacted to bottled curry paste that I bought at a grocery store but never at a restaurant. Of course, a lot of people can't tolerant the spiciness on sensitive bowels. Now that I'm doing much better I can tolerate up to medium curries.

Indian is fairly easy. There's always someone who speaks reasonable english and their cheese & bread are usually pretty easier to pick out on the menu & looking at other dishes. Pakoras are generally made with garbanzo flour but sometimes mixed with wheat. I've had good luck asking about the wheat flour & occasionally been advised not to order.

Less common cultures like Indonesian or Cambodian restaurants are harder coz I don't know as much and it's a little harder to research. Indian & Chinese are super easy. If I see a dish I've never heard of, I'll google it and figure out if the common ingredients include my allergens.

In general waiters and chefs want to help but they're busy. And it's also true that there are tons of snotty demanding customers so I do my best to ask for what I need but no more. e.g. I don't ask for them to remove tomatoes or mushrooms which I don't really like much but they're not going to hurt me.

I also do my best to come early or late when the kitchen isn't slammed and they're more likely to feel hassled or make a mistake. The wait staff will also have more time to help if there's a problem instead of trying to squelch you.

There are people who are just plain ignorant of their own traditions or cooking practices. I asked one young ethiopian waitress if there was any wheat in their injera (pancake bread). She kept laughing and saying no it's made from teff. I think my mistake was in not insisting that she asked the cook after I asked her to. I was desperately hoping that she was right because all of the other east african restaurants mix their flours. Teff is too expensive. She was wrong--I called the cook the next day to verify.

I also rely on my intuition if someone doesn't seem like I can trust them or that they're willing to help. I also think it's a terrible idea to be a pain in the ass, or imperious or threaten anyone with a lawsuit. It only ruins your experience and damages their willingness to help the other allergy sufferers who may later visit the restaurant.

But in general my experiences are good. There are plenty of sweet little old lady heartbreakers who will go out of their way to help once they understand. And bring you an extra helping of deep fried plantains to make up for what you can't eat and not charge you. I always leave a huge tip in exchange for breaking my heart.

Good luck.